How do you install the meaning of good and bad in a child?

What is good? What is bad? How can we distinguish and understand what they both mean? How did you learn the meaning of good and bad?

I remember in my younger years watching the fire burn in our fireplace. Being young and curious, what did I do? Obviously, I touched the burning surface, felt an extreme amount of pain, blistered, and screamed. Bad choice!

As a teacher, I regularly meet children who make poor decisions, whether it be behaviourally, or just simply making a poor choice like forgetting to bring their books. But how can we install in their minds that their action was a negative one? How do we teach them the severity of their action? How do we install the meaning of good or bad in a child? Read on to find out!

Good or Bad?

Remember my action of touching the hot surface of the fireplace? I had a pretty severe consequence. That moment in life taught me that fire is hot, and if I were to touch it, or its surroundings, I would burn myself.
Fire hot > touching is bad choice due to pain > meaning installed!

On the contrary, I remember seeing a lady trying to enter a shop while pushing a pram. She was struggling, trying to open the door and push the pram inside before the door swung shut. So I decided to help her by holding the door open. The lady looked at me and responded with such a warm “thank you!” That “thank you,” taught me that helping others in need is a good choice.
Person needing help > help the person > receive praise > praise feels great >meaning installed!

For children who make poor behavioural decisions, I regularly hear the words from other adults, “that child is just a bad egg!” But are they? Or have they not been taught what is – as we perceive it to be –good or bad?

It grinds my gears when I see a toddler misbehave and the parents laugh it off because they think it is cute. That toddler’s brain has just learnt: Misbehaviour = attention + laughs!

The way I help children understand the meaning of good and bad is through questioning, then reward or consequence, followed by the fix and follow-up.

The Installation Process

Questioning: Right or Wrong choice? Good or Bad? Positive or Negative? Hopefully, the child can give you the correct answer. If not, you may need to tell them.
Reward the good choice: It may be something as simple as praise, or something as extravagant as a gift.
Consequence the bad choice: Again, this may be something as small as instructing to sit in the corner, or as extreme as taking something away that is dear to them for a while.
The fix: I always ask the child how they can fix the problem. Once again, you may need to give them the answer if they aren’t yet able to offer an appropriate solution. Perhaps a sorry may be enough or creating an apologetic letter.
Follow up: “What could you do better next time?” Hopefully, the child gives an appropriate response such as, ‘walk away’ or ‘be nicer.’ Or you may have to teach them how to act in that scenario.

A few tips you may want to consider:

For some children, the meaning of good and bad will be easily installed. However, others, especially with learning difficulties, will need regular help and brain training for the installation to be successful. Never give up! It may be difficult while the child is still young; however, you will see the success of all your hard work, later in the life of the child.

The punishment has to be relative to the ‘crime’, just as the reward has to be relative to the good deed! When I swore, my grandparents put some pepper on my tongue. As an adult, I see that as fair! For hitting another child, my father smacked me and put me in my room. In my adult personal opinion, fair! For littering at school, a teacher made me pick up a bag of rubbish, fair!
Flipping this to positive behaviour: For helping another person, a simple showing of gratitude was enough as I felt great inside. For completing my work on time, the teacher gave me free-time. Keep it fair and consistent!

You may need to give children the answer, only if they cannot work out the solution themselves. If they are unsure if their action was right or wrong, you must tell them. If they are unsure how to fix the problem, give them an example.

Not all children have the answer; not many do! That is what being a child is about, making mistakes and learning from them. I implore you to keep an open mind to child behaviours and to guide them in areas that they lack.